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Intelligent Design: "The Dick and I"

Hey, I've got a good idea for a sitcom! It's about two university students who are roommates. One is an atheistic, scientific type, whom I've decided to name Julian after a wise character on another comedy show. The other is Dick, a religious nut who firmly believes in the pseudoscience of Intelligent Design (ID).

The comedy arises not from Dick's belief in ID, but from the consequences of Dick's innate mode of thought.

You see, belief in ID doesn't spring fully formed into the mind of its adherents -- It just fits neatly into their mental landscape. It appears that some people are born with a peculiar form of logical deduction already embedded in their brains. I'll call this "Id-logic." All conclusions of an Id-logician follow the FUNDAMENTAL AXIOM of ID-LOGIC (or "FAIL"):

OBSERVATION: An object looks like a certain thing.
CONCLUSION: Therefore, that object is the thing that it looks like.

Of course, when FAIL is applied to the most important question in the world (the existence of God) you get the FIRST COROLLARY of ID-LOGIC:

OBSERVATION: An object looks like it was made by an intelligent designer.
CONCLUSION: Therefore, that object was made by an intelligent designer.

There are many other instances of FAIL logic the world over. Some good examples are the face on Mars ("it looks like a face, therefore it's a face) the moon landing hoax ("I can't comprehend how a rocket got to the moon, therefore a rocket didn't get to the moon") and holocaust denial ("I didn't see the holocaust, therefore there was no holocaust.")

As revolting as past applications of Id-logic may be, I think it could be great fodder for comic (and tragi-comic) situations. Here are a few scenes I've whipped up to give a taste of the humor in "The Dick and I."

This scene takes place in a biology lab on campus. Julian think's he'll play a joke on Dick, and gives him a piece of mystery meat...

JULIAN: Hey, Dick, taste this!

DICK: Mmmmm... tastes like chicken.

JULIAN: Well, actually it's--

DICK: It's chicken. If it tastes like chicken, then it is chicken.

JULIAN: Dick, I don't know if you should be eating that stuff...

DICK: [Gulp, gobble, smack]

JULIAN: [Turns a pale shade of green, gags a bit, leaves room.]

This scene takes place at the apartment. Julian walks in with a piece of abstract art...

JULIAN: Hey Dick, look at this old painting I got at a junk sale.

DICK: Wow, that looks like an authentic Picasso.

JULIAN: Actually, I think it's a reproduc--

DICK: It looks like a real Picasso. Therefore it's a real Picasso.

JULIAN: Uh, yeah. Yeah, that's it, a real Picasso. I'll sell it to you... Thousand bucks!

DICK: Why, what a spectacular deal! [pulls wad from pocket] Here's your cash sir. Aren't you going to count it?

JULIAN: Uh no I trust you thanks a lot I gotta go now! [Julian exits quickly, sound of bootsteps, car engine starting, car revving off into distance.]

This scene takes place at a bar in Thailand, where the roommates went for spring break...

DICK: Hey Julian, that girl on the dance floor, I think she likes me!

JULIAN: Oh yeah, that "girl" likes you.

DICK: So, you think I should go for it?

JULIAN: God, you're such an idiot sometimes.

DICK: You always say that. I'm gonna ask her to dance.

JULIAN: Go ask "her" then. Good luck, stud boy.

DICK: [Several hours later in a dingy hotel room, hiding in bathroom, looking skyward]... NOOOOOO!!! WHY HAST THOU FORSAKEN ME????

Comedy gold, I tell ya! So, who do I talk to?


  • At 8/08/2005 7:22 PM, The One From The Church Village said…

    Repent! It's a proven fact that the world was created six-thousand years GOD! It says so in the Bible, which is the divinely-inspired word of GOD, so it must be true. Why do we know that the Bible is true? Because GOD dictated it to his Holy Stenographers. And why would GOD tell a lie? I mean, sheesh, it's all so obvious!

    Praise Jesus! *fist-salute in the air*

  • At 8/08/2005 8:57 PM, Derek said…

    Remember the words of the great philosopher Yoda: "Misread, the prophecies could have been!" (Episode 3, verse 123.)

  • At 8/10/2005 10:22 AM, Vinod said…

    I loved the banter between Dick and Julian. very effective in pointing out how ridiculous the attitude of the morons who believe in ID is.

  • At 11/14/2006 5:03 AM, Johnny Jihad said…

    At least you guys are entertaining yourselves. Though you can wrap your comments in pseudo intellectualism, a sow's ear of true thinking you remain. I guess in your minds, you think that humanity will one day look back and admire the courage you all had of breaking away from the lowing masses of previous civilizations. Though billions have lived on the earth, and believed in a higher being besides themselves, it is comforting to know that you guys have not succumbed, and have it all figured out. Instead of making fun of the superficial (people and/or arguments), which can be found on any side of an intellectual debate; why don't you research the real heavy weights on the subject and grapple with them. They're out there, and you know it. You know it, but you avoid those web sites, and prefer to have your intellect's stroked by like minded persons, by posting the intellectual light-weight issues and cut downs on sites like this one.

  • At 11/14/2006 9:36 AM, Derek said…

    I agree, down with Intelligent Design, long live the theory of evolution!


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